Tuesday, June 18, 2013

When All You Have Are Fragments

 

I wonder about it sometimes.

How a writer can still be a writer when she cannot write.

When words flit around the edges, just out of reach, and the story God's writing with a life is too big to find its way onto a page.

The silence, sometimes it really is deafening.

Oh, the writing's never been easy.  More like wrestling with a Great God and somehow, through all the striving and the yearning, giving birth to the story of a life word by word and line by line.

But for long weeks, months even, I have only felt barren.

And I am beginning to wonder if this is the end.  The end of being a writer.  The end of being who I thought I was.

But maybe that's just it.

Maybe the story God's writing with my life is redefining--refining--who I am.  And maybe who I am, maybe she is a writer, too.

Maybe she just needs time to find her voice.

I take courage from a woman who writes broken and unfinished, who tells her story in bits and pieces when she is able--if she is able.  Yes, I believe it deep, that some chapters of a life can only be told in fragments.  And when we aren't the real Author anyway, who are we to say that this is not good enough?

Who am I to say that this is not good enough?

I don't know what I will write in the weeks and months ahead--or how I will write it.  Maybe it will sound different than before, a little stilted and a little unfinished.  But I hope somehow you'll still hear God's heart beating strong for you, for all us.

Because this life?  It's all His story anyway.

And I can't shake the feeling that I am still a writer--that to be who He wants me to be means that I must write.  Even when the words are out of reach.

Thank you for Grace on this journey.  I am grateful to walk the road with you.


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You may have noticed a few changes here at Growing Is Beautiful.  I am slowly working to simplify and beautify the look and feel of the blog.

I have also decided to switch the comment system over to Disqus to facilitate better discussions with you, My Dear Readers.  If you are unfamiliar with Disqus, you may use it to comment on the blog with your existing Facebook, Twitter, or Google accounts or you may simply enter your name and email in the designated boxes and comment as usual.  You can also opt to set up a Disqus account, which is free and generally painless--at least that has been my experience!

Please do let me know if you have any questions or experience any difficulties.  I can always be reached by email, Courtney {at} GrowingIsBeautiful {dot} com.  Again, thank you for Grace!

2 comments:

  1. Courtney, I'm kicking myself that I missed this post now almost four weeks ago. You're hitting on some pretty big fears of mine as well. Your words always hit home and whether this is a season of lots of words or little words, you have a gift from God to write and He's used this gift to bless me. I get incredibly anxious when I'm not writing, as though a piece of me isn't there and isn't right with God. So I know this wrestling and wondering feeling. I hope that you feel held by Him no matter what.

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  2. Thank you for encouraging words, Kim. It helps immensely to know that I am not alone in this struggle to write. And it lifts my heart to know that my meager offerings here have been a blessing to you in some way. Overcoming my fear of writing and finding a rhythm of writing in the midst of the everyday is something I am starting to work on, with those itty-bitty baby steps we've been talking about lately. You have challenged and encouraged me to make changes in my life and I am so thankful for your friendship. Can't wait to see what's in store for us both in this crazy story God's writing.

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