I whisper Your Name late at night when I can't sleep, can't breathe, can't find my way in the dark. It's the changing of the guard, one day giving way to the next, and I lay down this armor of mine just long enough to speak the only word I can find, the only Word Who Is.
But it's Your Name on my lips that's my undoing at last, all this striving and writhing breaking apart and me just lying here broken and open and emptied right out.
Are You near? Will You come? The weight of a life, it can press a heart straight into the ground, and oh, Jesus, I am weary. Too weary to stand. Too weary to keep breathing in and out. Too weary to hold on. Can You hold all this together--hold me?
You've named this month with just one verse, and those are the words echoing here in the night. But I don't know how to be strong. How to "take heart" when everything's fallen to pieces. How to wait for You without giving up, giving in, giving it all away.
It's late and I'm worn through, but Your Word, it calls me into the dark and I'm not turning away. I open the Hebrew and I'm lost, but I open this and it's right there on the page:
Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.
Psalm 27:14, Amplified Bible
I don't feel very courageous tonight, but I'm taking off the armor and I'm laying my head right down against Your chest. This is me being brave. This is me waiting, hoping, expecting You to hold firm when all else gives way.
I feel Your heart beating sure and strong against my cheek and I know it now--this is me taking heart. And this is You taking me as I am, small and weary and broken through and through. I am Yours and I am held and I am fiercely loved.
I close my eyes, and I breath in and out, and I sleep for the first time in weeks.
Sharing a day late (aren't I always?) with the community over at FaithBarista.com, all of us whispering thoughts this week on the only Word Who Is--Jesus. Join us?
Thank you for grace as I walk through these days when the words are short and the demands are long and all I can do is breathe His Name and wait for morning. Your prayers are strengthening me and I am holding all of you close in my heart, even when I cannot write or read or extend a hand across the miles. May you know Jesus intimately in whatever path you are walking.