Sunday, September 5, 2010
Million Dollar Question
It's been a week since I wrote my last post. I'm getting the impression that many of you are waiting with bated breath to hear the answer to the million dollar question:
What difference has three days made?
Fair enough. I suppose it isn't very nice of me to leave you hanging. But if you're looking for a simple answer, you should know by now you've come to the wrong place. After all, when you look up the word "complicated" in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure you'll find my name listed there. If not, it should be.
I'll start with the bad news: I've been taking the B12/folic acid prescription for seven days and so far my fatigue remains largely unchanged.
The good news: I'm not surprised and not discouraged by that fact. We are correcting the root cause of the damage to my body, which means the damage will stop increasing. But we have yet to repair the damage that has already been done after 28 years of dysfunction. We have our work cut out for us, and it won't happen overnight. But at least now we have a shot at fixing what previously seemed unfixable.
The great news: I already told you, but you probably missed it. I'm not discouraged. Starting the very first day I took my prescription, the cloud of depression that has been pressing down on me for longer than I can remember disappeared. It's as if a switch in my brain has been flipped. I haven't cried in seven days. I catch myself smiling more often than not—because I can, and I want to, and I feel good.
Nothing in my external life has changed. My job is still awful, my finances are still dismal, my living situation is still less than ideal, and my future is still ridiculously complicated and uncertain. And yet, something has changed. I've changed. It feels as if something inside me has broken wide open and Hope has rushed in and filled me up to a level I've never felt before.
I don't understand it. I can't explain it. But I wouldn't trade it for anything.
Apparently God doesn't need three days to change the unchangeable. He just needs one.
I guess the short answer to the million dollar question is this: I don't yet feel like a million bucks, but I'm also not filing for bankruptcy anymore. And that, my friends, is some of the best news I've had in a very long time.
My advice to us all? Relax. Trust that God is at work. And remember that healing takes time.