I have to admit that after writing my last post, I experienced a lot of anxiety. Even though I have managed to write the first chapter of this story, there is still so much left to wrap my head—and my words—around. In some ways I am afraid that I have started something I cannot finish. In other ways I am afraid of how my story will be received and what judgments will be passed on me because of it. But perhaps the greatest fear comes from the realization that I do not have it all figured out. The past nine months have opened my eyes to a whole lot of things, but clearly, I don't have all the answers. And I suppose it is this fear in particular that gives me pause. I am afraid of getting it all wrong. I am afraid of sharing the things God is teaching me only to be talked out of them by someone wiser or stronger or simply more articulate. I am afraid of putting God in a box, reconstructing another limited view of Him that will someday have to be torn down just like the last one. Maybe more than anything, I am afraid of the "not knowing," afraid that something hurtful lurks in the shadows of what I do not know about God.
With all of this swirling in my head, I was reviewing my journal in preparation for writing the next chapter and came across these words, written on March 12, 2009:
I do not have all the answers. There are many things I don't understand about God and faith and prayer and sovereignty and free will and suffering. But maybe that is the biggest thing I have learned in all this—that God is bigger than all my understanding, that there are things in this life I can never fully explain or understand, that part of faith is accepting the 'mystery' in all of this and being okay with the 'not knowing.'I had to laugh. Evidently I still need to be reminded of the things I have learned these past months. And it's always amusing to hear God speak to me through things I've written in the past. He has such a sense of humor and irony, doesn't He? I am thankful for that. And I am thankful that tonight He is telling me this: "Of course you don't have all the answers, Courtney! You're not supposed to. So let it be okay and stop trying to figure it out. Just keep pressing on in what I've asked you to do. Aren't I the author and finisher of your faith? Then let me finish this. I can do it if you'll let me. You just have to be willing."
Okay, Lord, I am willing. Write Your story.