Music has always been important to me. Long before I had words to express this, I understood the transcendent nature of lyrics and melodies. I am not sure if everyone feels its power, but I believe it's always there whether we are aware of it or not. Perhaps it is the artist in me that makes me receptive to the way the words of a song can break through to me when nothing else does, the way music can change the way I am feeling for better or worse.
During these many months of brokenness in my relationship with God, music has been my only way of connecting to Him. At first I thought it strange that I could sing a worship song with all my might—and mean every word of it—but as soon as the music ended, I could not even bring myself to start a conversation with the God I had just been worshiping. Thinking about it now, though, I realize that as much as I aspire to be an "integrated whole," there are many times when I find myself living as separate parts. There is a part of me that is still hurting so much from what has happened between God and me that I do not even desire to be in relationship with Him. I feel guilty that I am not in close fellowship with Him and even more guilty that I do not want it, but that does not change my lack of desire. Even so, I think there is a part of me that feels the loss of this intimacy more acutely and understands how deeply I am in need of it. It is this part of me that is awakened by music and, in those moments, becomes strong enough to overcome everything else within me, everything that hinders me from reaching out to the God I once loved with all my being.
A couple months ago, I was playing the piano at home and came across a song I had not heard before, but for some reason I was drawn to it. After learning the song, I couldn't stop playing it. The part of me that desperately wanted to connect to God kept pulling me back to play and sing it "just one more time." I think I have yet to fully understand the significance this song will have in my search to find God again, but last night as we sang it at church for the first time, one line stuck in my mind:
"Here in our weakness You find us, falling before Your throne."
I suppose this is the hope I am clinging to. That although my weakness leaves me in a crumpled heap on the floor, unable to even look for God, still He will find me. That I will be restored not because of who I am and what I am capable of but because of who God is and what He is able to do. Yes, I am weak. Yes, I have fallen on my face. But He will find me here.